I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
