loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
