I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
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I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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