Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
