My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
