I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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