I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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