I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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