Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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