he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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