drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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