also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
