how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
