R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Randomize
