have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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