I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
