i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
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I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
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You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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