Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
