Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
