I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
