cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
