He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
