I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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