haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Randomize
