Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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