I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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