I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
The best revenge is premature balding
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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