i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
