he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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