Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
