i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
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The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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