My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
