He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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