I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
