P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
