I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
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If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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