i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
