A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
