just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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