Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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