Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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