I wish I could punch you in the face.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
