I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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