I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
