I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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