I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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