I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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