Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
