the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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