Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
meet me or not, i'm out of control
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
