I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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