I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
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IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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