so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
