Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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