I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
this is an emotional support booty call
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
