I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
