Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
