and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
