I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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