My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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