how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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