Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
