you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
